Oneof the most frequent questions we receive here at the Dojo is how one can stop bullying? It would be disingenuous to rattle off canned answers without knowing the exact details of the particular situation. While bullying is never acceptable, every child’s situation may require different strategies to stop it from happening.
What is bullying?
Bullying is when someone repeatedly and on purpose says or does mean or hurtful things to another person who has a hard time defending him or herself.
What forms can it take?
Physical bullying such as pushing, hitting, or kicking
Verbal bullying such as calling names and leaving another person out of a group
Telling lies and spreading false rumors
Taking away money or other things or damaging personal property
Threatening or forcing another person to do things they don’t want to do
Studies show about 29% of kids gets bullied at least once per week. About 85% of confrontations are witnessed by others. Because kids tend to stay quiet about embarrassing things, my guess is that the statistic is far greater. Don’t assume your children are free from bullying. Talk to them a lot about bullying, so that they remain open to discussing it, even if it was initially uncomfortable.
What are some signs of being bullied?
Warning signs that a child is being bullied are: being afraid or unwilling to go to school, having lots of headaches or stomachaches, sleeping poorly or having nightmares, losing interest in school, and suffering academically. More signs to watch for include:
He or she comes home with torn, dirty, or wet clothes or damaged books, or “loses” things without being able to give a proper explanation of what happened
Has bruises, cuts, scratches, and injuries that can’t be explained
Chooses an “illogical” route to and from school
Seems unhappy, downhearted, depressed, or has mood swings with sudden outbursts of irritation or anger
Steals or asks for extra money to bribe or soften up the bully
Here are some suggestions to teach your kids when you talk to them: Remember there are no perfect answers. Any or all of these suggestions may work?
Tell your teacher, parents, friends, bus driver etc. Never, ever stay quiet about it!
As soon as you can, find an adult or teacher you trust and tell them what happened. It is your right to be safe!
Avoid the bully if possible (tell a teacher why you want to avoid this place and name names)
Hang with supportive friends in groups (bullies tend to attack loners)
If the bullying continues, walk away, join other children or ask someone else for help.
Look the bully in the eye and say (with a firm commanding voice) “Stop it!!” This has been known in some cases to thwart the bully. Bullies usually want to dominate, not be challenged.
Parents often ask “Should my child hit back?” This option is definitely the poorest choice. There will certainly be short and long-term consequences to it. I have seen it backfire and make the bullying worse. I have also seen it work. Personally, I do not advocate it. Again, there are many better options like getting the school and parents involved. All experts I have personally consulted say that hitting back is not the answer. It only creates more psychological problems down the road.
Signing the kids up in a non-sport martial art is a fantastic way to develop inner confidence, strength and perseverance. Consistent classes for at least a couple of years will ensure your child will be able to face and overcome confrontations of all sorts. If you go to a martial arts school, make sure the teachers talk about bullying and address the issue frequently with the students.
Parents: Think back when you were bullied as a child, did you tell anybody about it? Have frequent talks with your children about bullying. Communication is the key to a healthy parent/child relationship. If your kids are being bullied, find out about it and take immediate action to stop it through the school or parent etc. Taking no action will guarantee a continuation which can severely damage your child’s character for his or her entire lifetime. Bullying can also lead to committing suicide. Please take this often silent issue seriously. It is far more common than we can imagine.
Parents…here are some known causes and possible suggestions that may help with your children and teenagers that come home with nasty or lackadaisical attitudes…
1. Could be a food issue? Some kids suffer from low blood sugar. Have them eat a healthy snack. Make sure they also drink plenty of water. Dehydration can wreak havoc on the body and mind. Watch their attitude (naturally fueled) change for the better in about a half hour
2. Bad day at school? Children often hide feelings and embarrassments. We don’t always know what happened at school. Perhaps they are secretly being physically or mentally bullied? Also, there is the issue of cyber-bullying (now at roughly 32% of all children with access to phones or computers). Perhaps kids feel stressed out from excessive homework? All these reasons can explain a poor attitude when they come home from their “very real and sometimes scary” school-world. Ensuring that the home or Dojo is a safe-haven from bullying is essential.
3. Too many sports! Some kids have three or four different activities after school. After a while, they literally don’t know what day it is? They get tired of rushing around to please others. Many kids take up sports just to please their parents’ agendas. Many kids’ individuality or talents can be lost or pushed aside on a large team that favors only the strongest and fastest. Studies show that too many sporting activities can be detrimental and can lead to resentment of the parent later on in life. Kids need time to be kids. Dojo Martial Art training is not a sport. It is a way of building self-created discipline and personal confidence in self protection in a positive and fun environment. Children will never be forced to compete for trophies or fame here. They are only encouraged to compete with themselves.
4. Lack of physical activity? Most children sit around after school, which can make them very moody and lazy. After a child trains at The Dojo, he or she is re-energized and ready to take on the world. Physical activity releases healthy chemicals that change one’s entire attitude. Sometimes, kids may come into The Dojo kind of down and out; but they always go home smiling, sweating, more receptive and more confident.
5. Children may be bored? Working in a group environment helps build important social skills that will last a lifetime. A child that sits at home is falling behind with the real world. Children need a positive environment in which to grow and mature. It is better that the kids are training and learning rather than fighting with their brother or sister.
6. Parents/Guardians are trying to be a child’s best friend rather than a parent? Let’s be honest, some parents let their children run their lives. Some parents actually let their kids decide if they are going to go to The Dojo or not. Just who exactly is in charge? Remember, we teach people how we want to be treated. Kids need consistent discipline coupled with positive attention. Children will test our boundaries. They will respect us more in the long run if we have consequences and consistency. They will love us more if we listen and communicate effectively.
7. Could be a deeper family issue? This is beyond the scope of a school. Kids often become angry and quiet if there is a problem at home. A house with violence, stress and anger will ensure an unhealthy child. But, it can be reversed! Communication with an expert may help? Have family meetings often to make sure everybody is happy and healthy and everyone’s needs are being met.
Parenting is the most noble and rewarding of privileges. The great news is that it is never too late to start good habits or re-build our relationships with our children. We have one shot at this! It is up to us to do our best and lovingly guide our children towards inner contentment and real happiness.
In the brilliant words of Lady Bird Johnson – “Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them.”
It can be very frustrating dealing with people on the mat. Sometimes, we get paired up with the people we do not enjoy sparring with. “He is too rough.” “He tries to teach me too much.” “She is too talkative.” “His uniform smells.” “She is always sick.” Or the worst judgment of all, “He or she isn’t as skilled as I am!” We silently think these terrible thoughts, often right as we are faking a smile and shaking hands with our new partner. This timeless dynamic goes on in each and every Dojo (school).
This common difficulty is an essential part of our growth training.
Here are some very blunt tips to get through these issues that most of us are afraid to ask the instructors about:
1. Keep your body and uniform (Top, Pants, Tabi, Socks etc.) clean. No one likes to train with someone who stinks. Freshen up or shower before class. Brush your teeth, put on body spray or something. Come to class knowing your will be in close contact with several people. Uniforms should never be stuffed into a duffel bag wet. The bacteria sours quickly. Either air dry your uniform at home or wash it often.
2. Don’t be a wet noodle. Give an honest/realistic attack and follow through with it. Don’t go to the ground until your opponent takes you there.
3. On the flip-side,don’t resist too much or throw cheap shots. No one likes training with a wise guy. These techniques rely on realistic reactions and body mechanics. Every single move has a purpose, just like in chess.
4. Don’t try and “one up” counter the shown technique. It shows the teachers that you have no clue what you are doing. It also shows that you have never actually been in a real fight. It is also very rude and disrespectful. Be a good fight scene actor. Always ask yourself “How would my body move if I was just hit in the nose or kneed in the groin?” Keep it safe but realistic.
5. They pay too! You are both on the same team. You are not against each other. We are all here to learn, not glide through training like a country club. He or she has paid for the privilege of training just as much as you have. Try and make each others experiences pleasurable.
6. Guess what!? They may dislike training with you too! Judgments go both ways…
7. A more hard-nosed Sensei (teacher) would just yell “Too bad. Shut up and train.”
Find the lesson in everything. Find the deeper teaching in every single experience. Ultimately, it is our choice how we perceive things. It is our choice to make the best of every class we attend.
Keeping up a positive attitude in class is vital to our growth not only as a martial artist, but as an adult. It is always best to try and find the good qualities about our training partners. Practice giving a sincere compliment to the people you train with. Be the person who everybody wants to train with.
Copies are now available to order through www.cdbaby.com or www.toddnorcross.net
“Todd Ryotoshi Norcross’ Taiken II is heart-stirring empowering inspiration, To-Shin martial spirit in musical form. I urge all my friends to have this CD in their home, dojo, and car!”
An-Shu Stephen K. Hayes
Founder, SKH Quest To-Shin Do ninja martial arts
Black Belt Hall of Fame
The 24th CD, 23 new songs!! World rhythm and New Age sounds for Training, Yoga, Exercise and Relaxation.
“For a tree to become tall it must grow tough roots among the rocks.”
Think about Nietzsche’s insight? Let us close our eyes and really ponder that quote over and over until we really comprehend what it means. How does this poetic and perhaps prophetic phrase apply to our own life? How “tall” are we in really difficult times? Are we rooted enough to keep from quitting? How many activities such as martial arts, jobs or personal relationships have we quit because it was too hard for us? These are all important questions to ask ourselves on a regular basis. Knowing how the human mind works, we will have two distinct and separate answers to these questions. The first answer will be the self-preoccupied human ego saying “Of course I am strong and do not quit!” The self serving ego is quite lazy, quite subtle. The second answer –which most of us would keep quiet to ourselves-is the real answer! “I would do more and stick with it if only I had more self confidence and less fear of being rejected.” Wow! It takes a really powerful person to admit that. To admit that it is us and not it that has failed. But, we know from experience that we cannot change what we do not first acknowledge. Change can only be implemented from the inside out. We have all learned that the more we pressure someone to change, the more he or she will naturally resist and do the opposite. There is no greater killer of dreams than self doubt. Self doubt is the number one cause of students quitting the Dojo, or any activity one can think of. We disguise self doubt. We very often lie and make up excuses so that we can slip away quietly and avoid conflict. Self doubt is the elephant in the room that actually leaves very little room for us to grow. It is the inner voice of regression, comfort and cowardice.
Once I heard a teacher say “Everybody quits! It is just a matter of when.” When I was younger and more naive, I strongly disagreed with that statement. Now, I fully understand it to be absolutely true. Of course, if you die you have to quit right? If you move, you must leave right? But, it is not always when we quit something, but more importantly how we do it. I never get angry anymore if someone quits training. If he or she has the guts to tell the truth and quits with dignity, then that is okay. There are several legitimate reasons to quit training. Perhaps one loses his or her income? Perhaps there is a serious injury that needs mending? Perhaps a job is requiring a move across country? These are noble reasons to stop training. Too often however, people just quietly disappear into the shadows. I can pretty much guarantee that the Sensei of self doubt has paid them a private lesson.
If you ever need to quit training, make sure you quit with honor and dignity. Make sure you meet with an instructor face to face and explain your difficulties. Perhaps something can be worked out so you can continue to train. Perhaps communication can be improved on a student instructor basis? Perhaps the school can recommend another school? Don’t be one of the many that weasel away in shame because it is easier. Easy doesn’t make it right in the long run. There is no shame in leaving if it is done correctly.
We tell all of our new students that most of them will quit long before black belt. More will quit in Level 2 and even more in Level 3. This is not to scare them, but to give them a real dose of reality. Fantasy-time is over the minute one first gets thrown down to the mat. To earn a black-belt in this dibble dabble society is truly rare. There will be many rocks and we will need strong roots of confidence to succeed. But there will be a few who will not listen to the inner dialogue and overcome self doubt and attain not just his or her black belt, but every other dream imaginable. These tempered masters will be the “unbreakable ones” who went through the necessary trials to become the next generation of teachers. Will you be one of them?
Boy, what a long weekend. I just returned from teaching in Michigan. During the three hour seminar we covered some examples of what to do when technique goes wrong and how to flow to what would make most sense next, we also had more fun with some weapons training. There were 30 eager students in attendance that trained hard, had some good questions and enjoyed themselves. I also wanted to say a special thanks to Mr. Fisher and Kellie Murphy for traveling all that way to attend.
I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone that went on the canoe trip. Fun was had by all…hope more students can join us next time, you’ll have fun. Row, Row, Row your boat…..
It seems as though it was just yesterday that we opened The Dojo, poured our hearts into what we believed would help change the lives of our future students and as such, change the community we live in. Well, it wasn’t yesterday, it has been almost three years and the hard work is paying off. I made a choice many years ago to teach martial arts and it hasn’t been an easy path, not by a long shot but when I saw our students at this past graduation my chest swelled with pride and I knew then that all these years have been spent well and that our students are, in fact, changing their lives for the better…We are proud of you! Gambatte…Keep going!
You know, I have had the pleasure of having An-shu Mr. & Mrs. Hayes be my teachers, mentors and friends for most of my life…I am very fortunate in that way. However, getting The Dojo Inc up and running and full of the kind of students we want to represent this magical art, I lost touch with what their involvement in my life has meant. I would like to let them know that I am forever grateful for all they have given me, modeling myself after them has made me the martial artist I am today (I know I still have a lot of work to do.) I also would like to say thank you for sharing your gifts with my students….Domo arigato gozaimasu
One of the most frequent questions we receive here at the Dojo is how one can stop bullying? It would be disingenuous to rattle off canned answers without knowing the exact details of the particular situation. While bullying is never acceptable, every child’s situation may require different strategies to stop it from happening.
It can be very frustrating dealing with people on the mat. Sometimes, we get paired up with the people we do not enjoy sparring with. “He is too rough.” “He tries to teach me too much.” “She is too talkative.” “His uniform smells.” “She is always sick.” Or the worst judgment of all, “He or she isn’t as skilled as I am!” We silently think these terrible thoughts, often right as we are faking a smile and shaking hands with our new partner. This timeless dynamic goes on in each and every Dojo (school).
The long-awaited CD…now available for sale!
Boy, what a long weekend. I just returned from teaching in Michigan. During the three hour seminar we covered some examples of what to do when technique goes wrong and how to flow to what would make most sense next, we also had more fun with some weapons training. There were 30 eager students in attendance that trained hard, had some good questions and enjoyed themselves. I also wanted to say a special thanks to Mr. Fisher and Kellie Murphy for traveling all that way to attend.
I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone that went on the canoe trip. Fun was had by all…hope more students can join us next time, you’ll have fun. Row, Row, Row your boat…..